Wednesday, 25 April 2018

I AM the authority - There is NO Fear

Last night, after cancelling my 40 weeks midwife appointment, I was awake for hours thinking about it.

I was considering if I should make a complaint about the midwife's false information about home birth and freebirth. I posted it on a facebook group and got many replies urging me to report it.

I still felt like somehow I was a bit scared for standing up for myself and the birth experience I want.

Examining this fear, and how I deal with "authority figures", I came to a few beliefs I hold about myself. How my fear affects me, how I expect the worse, how I expect people to treat me this way, how I am creating that reality. But why?

I wondered for a long time where this fear comes from, but in the end it does not matter. I can still let go.

Because the only authority is me! And the only fear is accepting full responsibility for myself.

I am still feeling good, but do not think this baby is coming yet. It may be another week or two, and I do not really want to speak with an midwife who I feel is bulling me into going to hospital and having consultant care when I already explained so many times my wishes and plans for this birth.

Complete lack of support.

I also realize my husband's trigger about birth. He is all supportive of my ideas until we reach the "due date", and he is already showing signs of doubt.

Having mom around has not been so bad. The "mother" in my memories and the person with me today are not the same person. Yet now and them she will say something that I consider to be negative about birth, women or health. But manageable.

My toddler is super attached to me right now, so making this experience as easy as possible for her is also very important to me, hence having the baby at home and recovering at home.

I am happy to have support via facebook from women I do not know, but who are facing the same issues I am. And so happy so many are planning to TAKE BACK BIRTH as says.

Being at the "due date" point is a bit emotional. I was so sure this baby would be born by 39 weeks, but that was wishful thinking to avoid having the NHS staff bulling me like they did with my first child. I wanted to avoid those confrontations.

I always try to avoid confrontations. It is part of the fear I am dealing with.

I have released a lot of emotions during this process, but I am still working on it. 

Thursday, 29 March 2018

Letting Go of Past Trauma

It is quite difficult to gasp the concept of 'forgiving oneself'. You may think you understand it, and that is where the problem lies. You cannot think yourself into forgiveness. It is not a intellectual ability, its an emotional. You have to feel the forgiveness.

This process is not new to me, and I find myself facing it again and again. The first set is thinking about it and what it means, as humans we do have the tenancy to over-analyse things. But then comes the acceptance of those emotions and the letting go.

And forgiving other and forgiving yourself go hand in hand. You cannot have one without the other.

During this process, of dealing with my own birth trauma, the birth trauma of my first child, and this current pregnancy, I find myself thinking a lot about the past: what should or should not have happened, what people said, what I should have said, what I should have or not have done, and so on...

It is a loop, I keep going round and round in circles, never getting nowhere, and always getting more upset.

It is time to let go. Be it my fault or their fault, it is in the past. It was out of my control back them, and it is still out of my control now. It will not change the past. But I can change how I feel about it.

These have been trigger by my current pregnancy. In a weird way, I am thankful for the "not supportive" midwife and "on your face" consultant for creating the unnecessary interventions and only talking for a FEAR base view, and therefore, making it so clear to me that this is not the path I want or desire.

The warning signs are everywhere and I am aware.

For my first pregnancy, there were also a lot of interference from day one. People talking down on you, and treating you like a number, as the NHS often does. No respect for the human being standing in front of them, the just want to write the notes and follow the procedure.

When I stared to decline everything my current midwife is offering, I can sell her fear. She is writing notes and emails to who know who about me, and she will not even look me in the eye. She is so scare that she may be in trouble for not following procedure rather then looking into supporting me. Either that, or she is so fucking lazy, she was happy when she was told I was to be put under consultant care so she did not have to do any work, only to have me decline it.

Her FEAR based actions and talking makes me realize how important it is not to have someone like her around me and my baby, and how I should never accept FEAR as an opinion, specially when all the actually medical information is available online for we all to read and understand.

I decided the best way to deal with this poor soul without any confidence in herself or her profession, is to just keep saying: "I decline" and "I understand the risks".

Back to first birth story, its been 2 years, and I still have not written a full birth story anywhere. There is a part of me that wants to write it and show everyone how bad the NHS treatment of women is. But do you know what, everyone already knows that. I am not the first person to have a horrendous experience in hospital. These things are well recorded. The NHS does nothing, because the NHS wants nothing done.

During my first pregnancy in 2015, I did not receive the support and care from the midwifes in Watford. I hardly ever saw the same person twice, I made tons of notes on my maternity book but only one person read it, the surgeon that was about to perform my emergency c-section. Out of all the midwifes I say, 3 were nice and understanding.

And when I realized something had gone wrong, and I knew my baby was in distress, I had to fight myself a bed in hospital. I was standing in front of a reception desk in Watford General trying to explain to a midwife that something was wrong, and she just told me that "it is suppose to hurt, go home" without looking at my notes or checking me and my baby. I later found out it was the end of her shift, she was literally trying to get rid of me so she did not have to do a hand-over.

I demanded to have my baby's heart rate monitor. And after two hours alone in a room, the next midwife came, said something about the doctor, ran out of the room, and came back with the surgeon. As it turned out, my baby went into distress when I had a sweep that I did not want, but was bullied into having it because my baby was overdue and I did not want to have an induction. The two hours I was being monitored, my baby's heart rate was high but there was nobody there because they were doing the "hand-over".

As it turned out, I was in Watford General Maternity Ward for one week. And I saw many times what the "hand-over" is. A bunch of midwifes drinking tea and talking about personal stuff so loud they will awake you up no matter tired you are. They would be on the phones watching facebook videos and laughing without any concern for the women and babies in the ward beds.

Although it was a shock to have a c-section, that is not where my complaint against the Watford Maternity Hospital lies. I understand that, because of a intervention that did not have a medical reason, but rather people following "procedure", it created an actual situation where the medical intervention was needed, leading to a room full of people seeing and holding my baby before me or my husband had a chance to.

It was the sweep that caused it all, but I did agree to it out of fear, not because of medical reason, as being overdue is not a big issue for first time moms. They scare the shit out of you, but most pregnancies go on fine and without complications until 42 weeks for a lot of women.

More later, going for a walk.

Thursday, 22 March 2018

Dealing With Resentment

Where does resentment comes from? And rather then dwelling on it, how to release it and move on?
Resentment: noun - bitter indignation at having been treated unfairly.
"The human emotion of resentment is one of the most futile and destructive emotions, more a reflection of inner needs than outer circumstance. Many people spend more time dwelling on the wrongs supposedly done to them than on the wrongs they have done to others." Theodore Dalrymple
I came to acknowledge that I hold a lot of resentment towards my mother. But it was so tucked away on the darkness of my mind, I did not even know it was there for 35 years. Now, it seems so obvious, and explains so much.

I have been exploring trauma and rebirthing practices. This particular breakthrough came a few days ago in the middle of the night. Starting from my birth trauma, some of these feelings where imprinted, and over the years, they grew in the darkness, affecting so much about my life and my choices.

Its funny that we believe we are free to choose, and do not always see how much influence we are under.

The resentment towards my mother started from the forceful extraction of my newborn body and the separation it created. I then learned, from my own mother, that soon afterwards she was pregnant again with my brother. She was told not to hold or carry me, and she accepted that information as valid. Apparently I would cry for hours, not out of pain or hunger, but because I was asking for attention.

This alone explains so much about my personality growing up. My fear of rejection being one, and my fear that I may not be loved.

Somehow, I manage to run away from all that when I moved to the UK at age 19. But in life there is no running away. We attract these situations again and again when we do not face or deal with our emotions. And so, I met someone that, in a weird way, represented my relationship with my mother.

Only now I can see how that relationship was mirror of the feelings of resentment I held, and maybe still hold, towards my mother.

Basically, I unconsciously choose to be in a relationship with a person that did not love me or accept me as I am. And the more that person ignored me or mistreated me, the more love and attention I gave him. Eventually, I had to face the truth and accept the reality of that situation, and I made a very aware decision to move on.

This was the time of my awakening. I learned a lot about myself, and explored many of the concepts, ideas and believes I held about myself. Learning to question these ideas and believes, lead me to understand and acknowledge that I was the one holding myself back.

I also understood that I was scare of not being loved, and therefore could not experience love. Once I learned to accept that I AM worth of being loved, my life changed drastically. 

I thought I was done with that chapter of my life, and that I had learned all the lessons life was giving me. Now I see how deep it goes, and that I have more work to do.

But all this is also very empowering to me, because I understand more and more the importance of a gentle undisturbed birth, and the bonding between mother and baby that comes after. My first child, was also born by c-section like myself, and then she was taken to special care for a few days. That was very traumatic for me, and I see how I have manifested it in some levels because I had not understood or faced my own birth trauma.

However, I was very calm during the process, and I bonded with my baby. I carried her on a sling close to me and we still co-sleep. I give her all the attention she asks for.

Negative people, like those who instructed my mother, will tell you not to hold your baby because they will become spoiled. This idea is non-sense. Babies do need attention and care, they need to feel security and have a strong connection to both parents.

I never had that experience as a baby, so eventually I was looking for that kind of attention in all the wrong places, and had to learn to hard way to value and respect myself.

It also affected how I see my mother. I never really trusted her or felt that she could be of any assistance to me. And in someways, I still fear her rejection so I rather stay away from her as much as possible in order to "protect" myself.

I am in the process of questioning all these believes I hold about my mother, and accepting that she did the best she could with the support and information she had at that time.

She will be here for the birth of my second baby, and I truly believe that it is an opportunity to heal everyone involved, three generations actually, because it also includes my daughter.